Wonderful Christmastime

When it comes to Christmas songs, I am fairly indifferent. I'm not one of those people who spends all December complaining about having to hear "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" and "Jingle Bell Rock" everywhere. I guess I'm just able to block out useless ephemera.

There is, however, one yuletide tune which I absolutely, positively cannot stand. One which makes my stomach turn and my skin crawl. I'm referring, of course, to Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime."

As if we needed more proof of McCartney being the third worst Beatle -- barely ahead of Ringo -- aside from Wings and pretty much everything he's done post-Let It Be, there is this abomination of holiday spirit. And up until a few hours ago, I never knew Macca was behind it. I first heard the song years ago, when my mom bought some shitty holiday compilation from K-Mart or something, and has proceeded to rotate it with the much more enjoyable #Elvis' Christmas Album# every Christmas since. Nothing on the CD was particularly enjoyable, but, as I have long done at department stores and supermarkets during this time of year, I managed to ignore mostly everything -- in fact, I can't recall another single track, aside from, of course, "Wonderful" fucking "Christmastime."

If I had the inclination, I could break down, point-by-point, precisely why this song is so bowel-wrenchingly awful: that incredibly cheeseball synth line which sounds as if were composed on a $2 Casio; the half-ass melody; the inane lyrics. But let me just sum up the song up thusly: In the admittedly wretched category of Christmas music -- the most universally despised genre of popular song -- this is the worst. Worse than "Silver Bells." Worse than "Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer."

Even my 8-year-old cousin -- the exact demographic, if any, for whom this song is supposed to appeal to -- randomly mentioned how horrible she thinks this song is. Then again, she is obsessed with Ringo, so maybe her opinion is not the most reliable.